Dec 222007

No, I’m not going to rant on Christmas. Yes there is plenty to criticize, but for what ever reason this year has found me much more in the holiday spirit then usual. Despite that I do seem to have my stocking in a bit of a twist at the moment.

Today’s rant, though this is by no means a new annoyance, has to do with truth in advertising. As a usually happy employee of the sex industry, with a certain amount of tenure, I know better then most that my fellow workers are inclined to fib from time to time. Little white lies, that drop a few years or inches or perhaps climb the alphabet by a letter. Not honest but as long as they’ve got an accurate picture in their ads it all comes down to Caveat emptor. Do your research, be realistic and/or check the review boards.

But not too surprisingly, given our nature, this type fibbing isn’t as standard in my branch of the industry. Unfortunately, there is a different type of lie that’s all too common among the Pro Domme set. It has to do with experience.

I feel that I have always been a kinky little bitch. I have always had dominant tendencies but I’m proud to say that I started out pretty shy. Though even at my most timid, among my friends, I was always the ringleader and by high school I was taking more active leadership roles. And then there were the boys. As a young girl I was very fond of bossing them around. I liked to set tasks for them and would offer kisses as a reward. And when I became more sexually mature, though still a virgin, I had a habit of punching overly amorous or inappropriately attentive young-men. By graduation I had already figured out that when it came to courting, I was most comfortable taking the lead.

But despite that self knowledge it was many more years before bondage or spanking, or mutually agreed upon power play, became a part of my bedroom games. So though I do think my kinky nature was something that I was born with, I didn’t start consciously using that muscle in a sexual way until I was in my mid-twenties, also known as the early 90’s. Do the math if you must.

I took things to the next level and began playing professionally in 2004. I have been a Professional Dominant for over 3 and a half years.

I don’t think the above level of experience is anything to sniff at. And as I am very happy with my life as it stands I have no regrets about my time table. But at the same time I’m the first to acknowledge that not only are there plenty of women out there with more experience than me, but that I am by no means done learning. I hope never to be so deluded that I think I know all there is to learn about BDSM or that I am ever done discovering what turns me on within that wonderful world.

I only wish that others felt the same way and had as much respect for their own path. There are a few women locally that have been guilty of the type of fib that urkes me. Some of them have only recently arrived “on the market” but advertise as if they’ve been here for years. There are a couple of women that I know for a fact started pretty much the same time I did, or after, but claim to have been at it for longer.

I also think it is dishonest to say one has X amount of experience but not delineate between professional and not. The reason I said earlier that going pro is taking things to the next level is because in many ways it is. It’s not a level that every kinky person is honestly destined to experience and/or enjoy but for some of us it is a logical next step.

I like analogies so here’s one that will hopefully help clarify my point without pissing off too many folks:

Say someone likes to cook. More then that, let’s say they love to cook and they rock in the kitchen. Despite that, most foodies are fine pulling out all the stops every once in awhile to impress their nearest and dearest. Fewer folks might take things a step further and host regular elaborate dinner parties. All still pretty normal, many of us know folks like this and always feel very lucky to be invited to dine with them.

How many personal chefs do you know? How many chefs who work in restaurants? Not as common and ya know why? Because not every foodie enjoys what they do so very much that they’re willing to make a career out of it. Going pro means that you have little or less say about who you are feeding. It means working with volume, and even with a menu, its less about what you want to make and more about what they want to eat. But if you truly love what you do, of course you’d want to share it with as many people as possible and you’d enjoy the challenge of satisfying different tastes and appetites.

Saying you’ve been cooking for years is not the same as having worked as a cook for years.

There are so many things you just won’t learn until you’ve done something professionally for awhile. Some of us are fast learners, having a few more years general life experience helps, but that’s still no replacement for actual time spent doing.

And like any other industry you will also see a certain amount of burn-out. But some of us are here for the long haul. It isn’t just because this is the work we feel called to do. It’s because we have enough respect for ourselves, as well as the people we play with, to be honest.

FYI: The comic book image that I started this rant with is fabulous. If you like age role-play, lesbian role-play, and/or cross-dressing within those types roles check it out! This book would also make an excellent addition to my library(my copy seems to have walked off) if you’re looking for some holiday gift ideas.

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Dec 312006

I got an email yesterday that’s been bouncing around in my head ever since. Funny thing is that the subject wasn’t that unusual. The request might have been a bit different, but the underlying sentiment was not.

It was from a woman, I’m guessing young but I could be wrong. Actually since it was an email it could easily have been a guy. Anyhoo, she found my professional website, didn’t mention how, but she thought I was just great. She even acknowledges the fact that her email is inappropriate. But there it is none the less. She says she is new to the BDSM scene…blah blah blah…end of story is that she wants me to be her mentor.

Now I’ll be the first to say that I think my website kicks ass. Do in no small part to the magic of my Cancarian Brutha. It also involved a good deal of writing, and editing, on my part in an effort to effectively represent not just what I do but who I am. I made the choice to put that information out there on the world wide web and pretty much anyone, technically over the age of 18, has access. But one of the things I think I make clear is what the website is for. It is not an elaborate personal ad nor do I make any claims to be a life coach.

But after the initial annoyance that I usually experience when I get inappropriate emails, I was stuck trying to figure out why this particular email bugged me so much.

Truth is I love giving advice(I see you rolling your eyes). Seriously, I love being able to share my experience and perspective with folks that can benefit from said knowledge. I think its great when my friends come to me for suggestions on how to molest their partners, or to recommend some good Japanamation Porn. And it is one of the true pleasures of my day to day life that I’m able to console my clients that “No, they are not alone. In fact their interest in _____ is very common”. They might not hear about it often, but I sure do, and there is nothing odd or wrong about liking ______.

But my absolute favorite thing is that people who know me, and the people who come to play with me from my website, know they can talk about sexual things with me. And more important than any advice I can give on porn or prostate massage is that I won’t judge them for those secret (or not so secret) kinky things that turn them on.

But I am just one person. I am not the entire sex positive community of Seattle, far from it. As much as I enjoy playing naughty confessional with friends, both personal and professional, there is a certain amount of give and take in all those relationships.

I’ve never meet this woman. She only knows me through my website. Yet she feels its okay to ask me to be her educator, her therapist and her entrance into the BDSM scene. I think what sticks in my craw is not that I wouldn’t enjoy playing mentor to someone, but assuming that was the case, why would I choose someone who by way of her INTRODUCTION has shown herself to be disrespectful of my time and intellectually lazy.

If she found my website she should have been able to find others. A quick Yahoo search of “BDSM Seattle” turns up a couple of educational sites with links to the Wetspot and Babeland both of which are amazing resources as well as the perfect place to meet people, many of whom I’m sure would be happy to take a baby kinkster under their wing.

I’m hitting this girl with both barrels but she is just a recent example of the strange phenomenon created by the internet. The false sense of knowing someone because you’ve read something by them on-line. Yes, you can know what they think about things, what kind of things they like, maybe what they did last Friday. But that isn’t the same as actually having shared a meal, or a bottle of wine, or a road trip. They won’t be calling you at 3am because they just found out their Dad’s in the hospital. They’ll never ask you to pet/house/baby sit. You won’t be kissing them on New Years.

By all means we should enjoy what others have to say here in this artificial universe. But unless I know you well enough to ask you to pick up juice for me when I’m stuck home with the flu, don’t be asking me for favors. Real World individual attention requires Real World day to day investment.

And on that note I am happy to conclude my first post.

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