Sep 132013

How often do you masturbate?

Seems like a simple enough question for a sexually mature adult to answer. But I wouldn’t be shocked to know that many of you reading that experienced a moment of embarrassment, however brief, just as I know that the first thought some of you had reading that question was a number, possibly followed by some sexy visuals. What ever your response, you’d be justified in it. While masturbating is one of the most natural and prolific sexual experiences we get to enjoy, it is still loaded with the most shame, awkwardness and judgement by society. Concerns over getting caught, being viewed as creepy/slutty, being told that those sensations should be saved for sex with a partner (ideally a committed monogamous one), is all the verbally reinforced packaging for a great big “gift” of sex negativity. And they’re just some of the excuses people will use, along with lack of time, opportunity, or physical capacity, to keep their hands off themselves.

Well I’m here to tell ya, in case you are one of the folks who hasn’t figured this out yet, that its all BULLSHIT!

Got kids, worried about them seeing mommy or daddy wanking…if they’re little ‘uns, you’ll probably need to wait till they pass out or nap, then a chair under the door does the trick. Old enough for the personal space/privacy talk – put a lock on the bathroom door. Seriously, this won’t just be useful for you, it will be useful for them when they want a guaranteed privacy place to wank as well. And if they’re in their teens or older if they still haven’t learned the lesson to knock AND wait for permission to enter, catching a parent naked or “indisposed” will make sure they move forward into adulthood with at least that one basic skill firmly set in stone.

Worried about being seen as a wanker or nympho. Don’t…just don’t. While it is possible to overdo anything, I promise you that masturbating, even multiple times a day, does not mean there is anything wrong with you. If you’re diddling yourself so much that you aren’t able to take care of your other responsibilities or you start making high risk choices like masturbating in public places where non-consenting folks might see you, then by all means check yourself before you wreck yourself. But anyone who is gonna be weirded out by your regularly taking care a business, well they ultimately just did you a favor. I always prefer when folks let me know up front just how very hung up they are about sex…helps to make sure I NEVER end up in a naked games situation with them.

And as for that “save it for your partner” shenanigans, disqualifying any crazy religious propaganda around purity (because of the dumb), you’re actually doing your partner a great service by wanking it. Being an adult and acknowledging that perfect libido pairing through-out a partnership is just as much a fairy tale as Cinderella. Even the most compatible of couples will hit those dry times of conflicting schedules, hormones, and health. Masturbation is what helps us stick with each other even when we don’t have time to get sticky on each other. Cause when we do handle things ourselves not only are we more relaxed, less stressed, well-rested we’re also not walking around with a big groin based time bomb of resentment and sexual need that doesn’t necessarily connect to intimacy.

I almost always ask my clients how often they masturbate. It is the perfect pop quiz to test how their sexual health is doing. And while a follow up question of how often they are having partnered sex, is also useful, its not nearly as telling. Frequency in both categories, or either really, is usually good news. But far too often people report that not only are they not getting laid, they’re not fucking themselves either. I don’t think that’s a coincidence and that lack of self love is a major contributor to the sad predictable decline of not just sex, but any physical intimacy, in long term relationships.

There seems to be this myth that love, sex, friendship, are all some sort of precious, limited resources. But as someone who can claim a bushel full of all of those I can bear witness to the fact that they are all very renewable. And in the case of sex, I’d like to offer a recent personal experiment to plead my case…

Coming home from a very socially stimulating, and somewhat stressful, wedding weekend (no, not my own) I found myself feeling even hornier than usual. Possibly fueled by the accomplishment of a task that I’d been intimated by (I officiated the ceremony) or the immense amount of awesome non-sexual physical contact to be found at a large gathering of touchy feely friends. What ever got the ball rolling, upon returning home, in the interest of science (Science, I say!!!) I decided to see what would happen if I amped things up, instead of just waiting for an already planned date with my primary partner the following night to scratch that itch.

So I downloaded a bunch of pornographic images from the internet, made a file out of them, and set them as the screen saver on my computer on a 5 second slideshow format.

I spend a lot of time on my computer.

No really, a lot.

Just the process of finding all the images, given that I have very specific taste in porn…okay, I know you’re wondering so here’s an example…


My day to day is what most people wank thinking about. When that’s your default reality, it ups the ante on what you need for fantasy fodder.

Anyhoo, just finding all that porn was enough to inspire an all night wank-a-thon. But it didn’t stop there. I woke up the next morning and buzzed myself off again. Sitting at the computer, watching all those sexy images inspired me to send an inappropriate-work-boner, inducing text to my date, which led to more sexting. Which led to another wank. Far from depleting my sexual stock it just meant I was that much more ready to go when he got here since I’d essentially been fluffing myself for 24hours. But there was no sense of, “Aw yeah now for the “real” stuff”. All that wanking had been just as fulfilling, it was simply another side to my sexuality, the sexuality I have with myself. And when he was here I wasn’t thinking about molesty amphibian monsters, I was thinking about him, his lovely body, his sexual needs and our shared sexual experience. All of that so much easier to do since I wasn’t a big ball of pent up, with too much of an orgasmic backlog to prioritize anything more than my own pleasure.

And the week continued…as did the wanking. In addition to making the partnered sex and playtime that I had that much more intense, inspired and generally awesome it’s had other great side effects. I’ve been sleeping really well, I’ve been more inspired to work-out (and admittedly do yoga as the bod got a bit cranky after the first couple days of increased activity), eat healthier, and everything has just felt more dealable.

After about a week, the constant back drop of porn, as lovely as it is, stopped being quite as distracting. I’ve mostly returned to my daily dose of diddle. And my libido seems to have stabilized again. It is no longer ready to sex all of Seattle, just a few select specimens. But my little test served its purpose. Its always nice to know that with a bit of extra attention and energy, voraciousness lies within. And to remind myself of the interconnectedness of physical and mental health with sexual happiness, the power over which, is always in my hands.

I’m so not done with this topic, as this is a subject I feel very strongly about and I have much more to say regarding it. But I’m gonna sign off on it for tonight.

I will say that I sincerely hope it has inspired you to experiment with the limits of your own libido.

For to quote Mae West…”Too much of a good thing…can be wonderful.”


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