September, 2012 - Mistress Katherine - Dominatrix and Kinky Life Coach

Today held a couple of lovely examples of why I do what I do. It’s difficult not to think of the two individuals involved as some how connected, though complete strangers who will likely never meet. And even if they somehow, in a typical small world way, were to meet, it is equally unlikely that either of them would be able to recognize the traits that connect them. The sheer number of interactions, not all brief or shallow, these two people could share and never see their sameness.

But we are, after all, a society that does not make it easy to be out and unapologetic about being a kinky little slut.

Oh, and in case your mind just tried to jump to any number of scantily clad rockstars to contradict that last statement…if you think they don’t have to walk barefoot across broken glass on a regular bases to manifest un-wavering fabulous, 24/7 you’re kidding yourself.

But people do it.

And that’s why I do what I do. Average everyday people take the risk of making themselves a target by being out, by being unapologetic…by being brave. And it starts with a simple thought.

I have a right to be happy.

So there’s a new playmate who’s been trying to book with me for awhile. Granted, sometimes the planets take awhile to align. Otherwise known as the scheduling dance. But that’s not really whats going on here. To his credit, he’s at least been honest.

He’s a little scared.

I’m always so torn by that. Part of me recognizes that – Jesus I bet! This can be quite the step into the abyss. Conversely, I know me, and I am NOT that scary. This isn’t skydiving…you are unlikely to die from seeing a Pro Domme.

Despite the latter and in keeping with the former…I’ve seen people so nervous they’re shaking when they arrive, so scared they can’t make eye contact. I’ve seen people so stressed out that the moment that it sinks in, they are safe here, they start crying.

But in the face of their fear, they still showed up. Which is awesome! Human beings can be almost impressive in our ability to self sabotage, to keep ourselves from what we know, deep down, will make us happy. One very effective way of doing that is to alienate the very same sexy dominant that you’ve been fantasizing about seeing for years by NOT showing up for your appointment. If folks show up and try to put up barriers between themselves and their happiness, THAT, I can do something about. But without that first step, that first risk, that first appointment…nothing I can do to help.

So I hope this new playmate shows up. I know he’ll be happy if he does.

I know this for a number of reasons but also because of the playmate I saw today. A sweet, gentle, man who was actually brave enough to tell his partner that he was kinky before they got married. And she was cool with it. Then at some point a few years in, his kinkyness was no longer okay. Not okay for her, so not okay period. And in the classic boiling a frog metaphor of most abusive relationships, things went from bad to worse over a period of many years. Years of his self-medicating with solo-play in the face of open hostility and verbal abuse.

Until recently.

When he remembered he had a right to be happy. A partner who vilifies your sexuality is never going to let you be happy. I am not the reason he is taken the monumental step of leaving an abusive relationship. I merely helped him to see himself as he was meant to be. And he remembered.

This is the risk people take when they come to see me. But I’m not what people are actually scared of. What they are scared of is being happy…while being kinky. When its no longer a question of “Am I really?” and is inescapably “I really am.”. The cost of that knowledge is either change or denial. Change your life and chase your bliss. Or deny the knowledge of where your bliss lies, repress it, distort it, or feed it just enough to keep it quiet…until it needs to be fed again.

So actually, change wins out in any event. And that’s the risk you take. You will not walk out as the same person you were when you walked in. And that’s true whether its your first experience or your fiftieth.

But take that risk anyway

because its worth it

because you

have a right

to be happy.

After months of serious procrastination I FINALLY got around to doing my website house cleaning. There wasn’t much major work that need to be done, some grammatical issues, one or two spelling errors, a few dead links. I did need to add the lovely Miss Audrey to my site as a potential playmate for duos. So all told, coding learning curve aside, I should have been done in an hour. Alas, WHY I put off such tasks is that things never seem to work out that way.

I didn’t even hit any problems this time, like when my entire site crashed in the midst of a simple cut and paste edit. Luckily my site designer and coding genius was on hand to spot and fix the problem. Apparently you aren’t supposed to capitalize letters in html. Good to know.

No the problem is much more insidious. Any writer knows the danger of picking up an old piece of work…you can’t not start to tweak it and before you know it, its four in the morning. But…it’s DONE…for now. And having gotten on a creative kick with all that re-writting I’ve returned to my poor, much neglected, blog. Doesn’t hurt that one of the fixes was linking to my blogs shiny new home (kiss my butt, Livejournal!).

So in the interest of new stuff here’s a couple bits of random. First up a letter:

“Hello!

You, madam, are fabulous 🙂 I absolutely love the work you’ve put into your website, the humor you’ve injected, the intelligence that winds its way through every paragraph. Well done!

I’m just getting into the pro domme scene and have a question for you, if you’ve the time. Your FAQ page states”I am not a trained therapist or a licensed counselor(yet)” (sic) – should I take that to mean you’re studying psychology? If so, could you refer me to a good book (or many)? I’m looking to learn more about sexual psychology but also just general stuff. Brains are fabulously fascinating 🙂 I’ve also found that near every one of my subs, past and present, uses our process (either directly or indirectly) as a way to sort through brain-noise and have fabulous life transformations. That in mind, I’ll be going at this from a life-coaching perspective, so I want to be fully prepared for anything that comes my way. Time to study!”

And my reply:
“Thanks for the interest and admiration. The “not yet” comment refers to my plan to go back to school to get a counseling degree and my optimistic hope that one day the therapeutic benefits of my current profession will be recognized by the larger medical establishment.

So a lot of my training is from on-the-job work, years of industry experience can’t help but show you patterns of behavior with regard to the motivations, triggers and fears that most clients have around kink, interpersonal relationships and their bodies. But a surprising amount of it comes from my BA in theater which I self-deprecatiingly refer to as “a psyche degree for narcissists”.

As far as reading lists, everything that deals with kink/sex, even if its bad (like 50 Shades of Grey), even if its just supposed to turn you on (like erotica/porn), can give you insight into how people come to and process what does, and doesn’t, get them hot. Both fiction and non-fiction have things to offer.But here are some books that I’ve found extremely useful over the years:

Real Live Nude Girl and The Leather Daddy and the Femme both by Carol Queen
Pretty much anything by Susie Bright
>Meeting the Master by Elissa Wald
Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan, Ph.D and Cacilda Jethá, MD
Bonk by Mary Roach
When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie EAston and Catherine A. Liszt
Most things by Carl Jung (a million times more holistic minded than Freud at addressing sexual motivations, IMO) and Joseph Campbell, especially The Hero with a Thousands Faces (great stuff on ritual, patterns and paths). And an at least general understanding of most major religions because wether someone is a recovering catholic or a practicing Hindu, religion has an effect on the vast majority of people’s feelings about sex.

Lastly, read stuff by other sex workers, blogs, books, essays, articles it all can offer insight.

Lastly, if you aren’t active in the kink community…become so. Getting to know a wide sampling of folks who are at least okay enough with their kink to attend public events isn’t just a useful tool when interacting with clients who have yet to (or aren’t able to) do so, it will also be necessary so you can give them real world examples of what is out there for them if they were to pursue a more holistic, open lifestyle with regard to their sexuality.

Hope this helps”

And I like to end with a joke…and this time I’ll use someone else’s…this is a great on-line comic but its rarely safe for work. This particular strip does not include boobs.

The Risk You Take

She’s Back!

The following site contains adult material so if you are a grown-up and like that sort of thing, Welcome!!!

Clicking outside this window means that you are an adult and you're willing to see adult material.

If you are a child or young person under the age of 21 then this site is not for you. Please wander off to another part of the interwebs like Scarleteen.com.

If you are an adult who behaves like a spoiled and ignorant child when faced with sex positive information and images I really don’t know where to send you but this might be a good start: Psychiatry.org.